Upside down and inside out.
Mikael is still much the same. Well, the same, but also worse. I feel as though there have been times on here where I've stated something like, I'm gonna be brutally honest, and well, I feel like that's all I have to offer; brutal honesty. (also messy thought processes, so bear with me.)
At this point the discomfort level for Mikael is high. Between the pain and the fact that he's basically confined to the hospital bed - I think it's been three weeks and with no physical evidence of that changing - his overall frustration is at large.
The cancer in Mikael's body is basically wrecking havoc. It's the cause of the fluid build up as well as the thing that's keeping Mikael from being able to eat which therefore continues to drain him of energy and strength.
The last few days have been a balancing act of trying to figure out his pain meds and how much and all that. They don't seem to be working and the doctors have switched to a different medication with hopes it will make a difference.
As much as the doctors and nurses have told us to hope for the best, at this point they're main concern seems to be to make Mikael comfortable for the sake of his last days here on earth. This is the message they give us in hopes to offer comfort. As if that the idea of them making Mikael as comfortable as possible as he loses this fight is somehow comforting...
Like really? (As I say that know the nursing and doctor teams have all been incredible - like truly amazing - they're just speaking out of experience; that experience lacking the truth of God with us and miracles happening.) [(I think I'm also at the point where if one more person talks about how my brother is 'dying' I might just throat punch whoever's closest.)]
Here's the thing - Mikael is beyond hopeful - he continually talks about when he'll get out of the hospital. (This is a moment where we stop and pause to say out loud - YES LORD!) Regardless of all that's happening and for Mikael to feel how he feels and yet he keeps on hoping.. wow. I can definitely say he inspires me in this area - his strength and perseverance, I'm at a loss, really.
And here we have this word, hope.
Hope is what drives us to go after the impossible. It's one of the leading factors for believing in our God given dreams. In Proverbs it says this: When hope’s dream seems to drag on and on, the delay can be depressing. But when at last your dream comes true, life’s sweetness will satisfy your soul. And another version: Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. (13:12)
God is the fulfiller of our dreams, our hopes, our longings - and with this a promise that the goodness of God will be seen among His people. In seeing the goodness of the Father manifest here, in and among us, we are only drawn closer to Him.
I'm not hoping to see Mikael healed in a way to make this sadness, this process seem lighter - not at all.
I'm hoping and believing to see Mikael healed because of who God is and how I know His love can manifest. In the fulfillment of 'hope's dream', life springs forth - in this we can see it both figuratively and literally. All this to say there's a depth to the hope we have.
For without hope, what would we have? And it's not as if hope is an empty promise. That would just be incredibly useless. God giving us hope is not useless.
The thing that with all of this seems to be running through my mind is that there's more to this that meets the eye.
More capacity to believe, to experience, to know His love.
Because really, can you imagine the nurses faces when Mikael walks out of the palliative care ward to go on and live a full life? My heart literally explodes at the thought of the people represented now getting to witness first hand the manifestation of the love of God (myself included).
This post seems to be my own little defibrillator to wake me up: get you're hopes up and don't lose heart!
For as my title has stated, everything seems beyond upside down and inside out to the point where it's easy to lose
sight yet I will not lose sight of hope - of Him who gave us more to hope for.
Forever I will lift up my soul into your presence, Lord.
Be there for me, God, for I keep trusting in you. Don’t allow my foes to gloat over me or
the shame of defeat to overtake me. For how could anyone be disgraced when he has entwined his heart with you? But they will all be defeated and ashamed
when they harm the innocent. Lord, direct me throughout my journey
so I can experience your plans for my life.
Reveal the life-paths that are pleasing to you.
Escort me along the way; take me by the hand and teach me.
For you are the God of my increasing salvation;
I have wrapped my heart into yours!
Psalms 25:1-5 (emphasis added)
With that I will also leave with you this song - a declaration - an anthem.